Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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