my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I love you.
Bad choice
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