I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
