I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
