I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
