i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
