you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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