I haven't been this sober since birth.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
