I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
