Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
