i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
