I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
