can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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