I haven't been this sober since birth.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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