she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Randomize
