Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
