im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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