Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
