i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
