There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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