Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
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