I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
