dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Randomize
