my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
