dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
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