did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
