I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
