I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I need water and some morals
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
