so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
