No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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