im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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