Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Randomize
