we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
