She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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