we have officially mastered the walk of shame
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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