A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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