Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Randomize
