I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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