Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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