Walk of Shame. In a state park.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
