So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
