According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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