textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
