I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
