i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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