jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
