I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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