I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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