I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Randomize
