I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Just puked most of my soul out..
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
