i wish my penis had a tongue
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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