burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
