when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
